Decision.......

Why is it so hard to decide to leave him. Why is it so hard to decide and insist to leave him. Why am I giving myself hard time, why am I having this feeling? I can do it to leave him, why I can't know? What had happen to me? I am feeling really helpless and hopeless, my days in this world is getting worst each day. I don't see my future... however i know future is build by my own. But I am so depressed to think of how to build anything for myself...................... Why am I depressed? I can't think of anything that I make right, I can't trust myself anymore, I do not have confident in doing the thing right anymore, I am having so so low self-esteem............................

Today is 20 January 2010, Thursday. Thaipusam Day. Where were I last year Thaipusam day? Should be somewhere, middle of relationship disaster. I had those bad memory still fresh on my mind..., those guy that hurt me......... I truely believe it's my retribution. It's what I done in the past, that cause me to suffer now, and face all the bad things by myself.

I want to be strong, I want to wake up, stand up, pick up myself, walk forward, march ahead, no matter what is in front, just bang the wall, or hit the bricks, I still need to march on...............................

"Tough" this is my life huh. This is the word, someone gave to me, telling I will have a tough life.

CNY is near, I don't feel any excitement also, same as before. Maybe last time I felt happier, now I felt worst........................