嗨，涵。你还好吗？
我还死不了。。。只是需要时间来疗伤。可能是麻木了吧。连续两年在这个季节承受打击。爱情的魔力，可真大。

我，坚持的，要把自己拔掉。从你的世界消失，消失得无影无踪。
希望你不要怪我。我一直都不开心，我们根本不适合对方。托了对方那么久，大家都累了吧。

你还年轻，你有选择。我呢？有想过我的感受吗？

不需要再打来找我了。我会把爱你的这颗心消灭掉。

我不能面对面再跟你谈了，我已经没力气了。我们是应该结束了，再托下去对彼此都没有好处。

跟你在一起的三年，你有对我真心付出过吗？你对人对事，有真正用心对待吗？如果有的话，下场不会这样。你连自己女朋友的名字都不会写。你有去了解我不开心是为了什么吗？你有想过给我幸福的生活吗？你有想过，我不开心的时候会做什么吗？如果有，你是不会不知道我都在这边写心事。

不要来找我了。把握忘掉，从新开始新的生活。你会得到自由，好好创造自己的将来吧，我跟你没有一样的梦，不能同一步走。

要开心，要真心对待人和事，不要遗憾，不要后悔，要长大了。

New chapter going to start soon?

Two days ago, that was 16 Dec, 2010 I broke up with him. It is a sudden break up to him, though our problem has been dragging for ever since we started until now, which is 3 years. We were not suppose to be together. Our age gap, background, value, believes all are facing opposite direction. We do not have any common goals, common dream, common interest, and we can still last for 3 years. I truely believe that I really loved him, if not, I will not make it last for so long. Every time he make any mistake, I forgive him, any dissapointment he gave to me, I forgive him, I give in everything I can give in, to let him be happy.... but..... did he really appreciate me? Did he really treat me as his love one? Did he ever seat down and think, what I really need and wanted? I am so tired of being the Mother Teressa of him, every mercy, ever generous, and ever loving to him. I am not perfect, I am not his "mother", I am no one, I get nothing by doing all things I do. Why I do the things for him is because I love him, I love doing things for him, all I want from him is what? Did I ever say I wanted to leave him because he has got nothing? Did I say I wanted to leave him because he did not take time to talk to me for what we suppose to communicate? Yes. He did not give me any "time". He has his world, we do not live in the same world. I feel so lonely being with him. I am so tired. So so so tired...............

I wish it was a dream. I can wake up now, I totally out of his life, and he is totally out of mine now. End everything on 16th December 2010.

Facebook

Sometimes, I am confuse of what i really wanted. When I see photo of my ex-colleagues, I felt that why I can't survive in my ex-company? Why they all look so happy? Is it only the surface? They also suffering and fighting each day, but the continue, they hold on to their faith, and they presevere. God, is it because I am weak that I gave up?

I am like a lost sheep, after resigned, I have no direction for my career. Every other people looks so rich in their life, pocket is rich, social life and being pampered all the way. Actually I have passed this life of pampered, I had experienced it, I choosed not to continue being pampered at the same time being stressed. I choosed it, I shouldn't feel jealous or envy when I look at their happy photo, right?

Me too, can be pampered if I choosed to, just that I gave up.

What is my next journey?

Tiring....

Today, 5th December Sunday, cloudy day. Didn't turn up at church, was with my family, my mom, my 2 nieces (ah ling & ah nee).

I have a lot of thoughts and felt gloomy, continuosly for few days. I can feel that my heart is crying and giving up hope to fight and complaint. Physically, from the surface, I look and seems to have everything what I should have, except I had a final goal haven't show to the world, that is I am still not yet settle down with a man. God know what I really want, but either it's not time yet or, that is not the life I can have. So, put aside this...

I'm happy, and appreciate the time I spent with my family yesterday and today. Brought them to a few places, we went to 1st Avenue, had Ice Cream and Hagan Daz, then went to Straits Quay, then had western food at James Restaurant. I'm really happy with them. Though sometimes I feel really incomplete, I felt that I will be normal and happier if I have my husband and my kid with me. But once a while girls out (mom, me and sis) are also fun. I just worry the topic of when will I get married came out from their mouth. Anway, that is not up to me to control. If yours, is yours, if not yours, no point to force.

I'm more worried for my career and future now. Guess everything can be settled, my house will be rented out or sold eventually, Wallace will have to be taken care by someone eventually, my boyfriend, will focus on his business, either wait for me, or find another girl friend. My mom and sis, will continue their life like either when I am here or not.

I wish to find a job that can let me travel to different places, what job has that? I want to see the world. I want to find a job that can use my creativity, I do not know whether I have or not, but I guess it will be something that make me want more from the job and that kicks the motivaton button. I do not know whether I am able to find that or not, and I am 90% feeling hopeless of Penang's job cause I hardly found any.

I guess the gloominess that I am feeling now is cause by this. I got to leave here and go to another place, and start all over.