Tiring....

Today, 5th December Sunday, cloudy day. Didn't turn up at church, was with my family, my mom, my 2 nieces (ah ling & ah nee).

I have a lot of thoughts and felt gloomy, continuosly for few days. I can feel that my heart is crying and giving up hope to fight and complaint. Physically, from the surface, I look and seems to have everything what I should have, except I had a final goal haven't show to the world, that is I am still not yet settle down with a man. God know what I really want, but either it's not time yet or, that is not the life I can have. So, put aside this...

I'm happy, and appreciate the time I spent with my family yesterday and today. Brought them to a few places, we went to 1st Avenue, had Ice Cream and Hagan Daz, then went to Straits Quay, then had western food at James Restaurant. I'm really happy with them. Though sometimes I feel really incomplete, I felt that I will be normal and happier if I have my husband and my kid with me. But once a while girls out (mom, me and sis) are also fun. I just worry the topic of when will I get married came out from their mouth. Anway, that is not up to me to control. If yours, is yours, if not yours, no point to force.

I'm more worried for my career and future now. Guess everything can be settled, my house will be rented out or sold eventually, Wallace will have to be taken care by someone eventually, my boyfriend, will focus on his business, either wait for me, or find another girl friend. My mom and sis, will continue their life like either when I am here or not.

I wish to find a job that can let me travel to different places, what job has that? I want to see the world. I want to find a job that can use my creativity, I do not know whether I have or not, but I guess it will be something that make me want more from the job and that kicks the motivaton button. I do not know whether I am able to find that or not, and I am 90% feeling hopeless of Penang's job cause I hardly found any.

I guess the gloominess that I am feeling now is cause by this. I got to leave here and go to another place, and start all over.