Confuse

Today's 3rd day of work. Last night slept at around 1-2am. Mainly because having slight fight with him due to argue over some issue on our future. Wanted him to go back for good, but he just keep crying. Though I was cool and didn't cry much, I was trying to stay firm and calm on what I intended and planned to do. Anyway, he shows that he still loves me a lot as of now. He sent me to work this morning and fetch me back and we had dinner together.

Today, I got the reply from that MNC company, I do not know whether I should give it a try or not. Anyway, I had sent replied mail to them, I guess, if they are willing to pay high and the job is not as stressful as "hell", I might give it a shot.

God, please help me one more time on my career path. I really appreciate on what you had made the offer available to me in my current job, but this MNC is what I heard so far one of the best company in Penang. I hope I can get the best career for long term, I do not wish to change again God, once I settled down on my career, I will fully concentrate on what is my purpose.

God, please help me, guide me, give me luck and wisdom to make the right choice and get the right offer.

2nd day of work

Today's the 2nd day of my work, the traffic is quite congested from here to town. I used to travel 15-20 min to reach my office. But now, I need 2 hours to and fro. Travelling is quite tiring and fuel consuming. Daily parking also cost RM3. Guess travelling with parking will take about RM180-RM200 per mth at least. My ex-co even give allowance for toll of RM145 for which I am not really need to spend cause I stayed in island. Now, with lower pay, and extra expenses, I really need to get used to it without comparing the past and current. I'll never be happy and contented.

I'm getting lower paid reason being i'm totally new to this recruitment industry, all my background was only sales, IT and i'm not really someone who is stand out from the crowd.

Suddenly today, tonight, I felt a bit down. Despite God has given me chance and helped really a lot in changing and getting to the new job life. Suddenly, I just felt I'm so left out, not competent, and not having the strong desire to move further. What has lead to this?

I don't even dare to call a candidate up to profile them. I was from call centre backgroud, I should be very confident and very experience in talking to anyone on the phone, what happend to me? I'm just so low in self-esteem and getting useless each day.

While I'm going through all these, God are you there? I am sure you are, as I believe this is my test, and I have to overcome it, and build myself stronger. I'm just so myself, I can't hear you God, and I can't feel or sense you are there, I have never experence you touching me, whisper to me, hint to me, or give me any tiny bit of clue that you are there with me God. I am sorry, I just really hope you here with me God.

Today I suppose to do some homework for tomorrow's work, brought back some JD but didn't really open that up and study on it. I suppose to do research on it aggressively, get my self equipped and polished myself up with super speed as this is why my manager is hiring me from the "hell" company. I failed to show any sign of aggressive and competence once again. I'm just so so lame and low low than average person and wanted to show I am capable and strong. I'm just another hypocrite which I hate so much.

I saw his photo with his ex-wife and his daughter. She's so much younger and prettier than me. I really wish we could end everything here. So that I can press a "restart" button of my life and "reformat" everything and everything and really everything.

I am really loosing every confident, I am getting older each day and getting fatter each day, I really have no mood to have any diet on. I just feel so insecure and uncomfortable seeing and knowing that she wears pretty and went out with him. God, please release me from this "life term jail". I've learnt my lesson, haven't I? What else I need to learn? Will I be forgiven? What I need to do to rectify what I have done wrong? Is there anyway I can compensate back? Please let me know the action I need to do God.

Why am I so unsure of what I am doing and what my future holds? I have many many questions and doubt everywhere. I'm so tired.

First day of work

Today I started work in the new company. I can say everything went on smoothly, I thank God for that, I believe God has helped me alot on this.

Last night suddenly there is a blackout occurred around 3am, suddenly fan and aircon and my room's small light all off. I can't sleep cause is so hot and also sudden change of the temperature. I waited and waited, my bf woke up to pee, so I ask him to go and check whether there is a trip on the main switch box, and it does really tripped. So I continue sleeping after the fan is on back.

My colleagues are all very good and nice people, but I guess I also need put in a lot of hard work in order to see result in this field. I applied for another post in Intel before I got this offer, they just contact me today, haizzz..... maybe it is fated that I should not work in Intel?

Today his daugther's birthday, he got to celebrate for her. I know he love his daugther a lot, why didn't he choose to go back to them? Is he trying ti escapte the responsibility? Sometimes I am stuck in between, I want to convince him to go back but he never want to think about it. Whenever I think about this topic, I feel hopeless and also not happy.

God, I went to Church last Sunday. Though I have not really got involve in the whole "christian" atmosphere now, I am trying, Father God please help me to be more adapt to it and blend well with the rest of the church member.

Next year i'll join the Alpha group which was mean for the beginner of christianity. I'll also join the care group every Friday to learn about Bible study.

Thank you God for everything.

Jesus

Isn't this picture beautiful? How do Jesus really looks like? We see a lot of drawings and statue of Jesus, they look almost the same, are they really look like our real Jesus? I've saved a lot of Jesus's picture last night, some are really beautiful. Will share more coming soon. You know, I wanted to buy the Christian object today, but end up I didn't. I need to save some money now as I am just going to start work again next week. Need some savings cause I plan to take up some courses. First I want to learn Piano, bought a 2nd hand piano from someone. Then, I'll sign up for baking courses as well. So that will cost me some moeny.

Why do I want to learn piano and baking class? Playing piano is one of my dream when I was a little girl, but due to the place I stayed last time can't accomodate piano, and also there is no encouragement from my family to guide me to learn piano, so I didn't start any till now. Whereas for baking course, my passion is in cooking, so baking is also cooking, I guess I can learn how to bake pizza, cookies, pie, tart, and various cake, that will be fun.

I still have lots and lots of question I do not understand about the teaching of Christianity. I really hope I can learn more, and know the purpose of my life sooner.

But, I guess I already know after reading that purple book, that is to serve God. But how and what is my ministry in this world? That's what I need to find out.

I receive a mail today from the "sinner prayer" website, posted something a week ago and release a bit of my bitterness there. Got the mail with the link posting more about Christianity and also there is this site that archive videos about believer's spiritual encouter. Perhaps it's a good past time to watch this.

"Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsongs

"Holy, Holy, Holy"

Yes!

I want to thank God fo making this happen to me, I've got the job offer from the job I dream about already. I think it's a miracle, i'm so touched and so happy and want to express my gratitute and deepest appreciation to what has God done onto me.

I want to thank God again and again and I want to know that I trust God, and have faith with God and will do what God want me to do. I can't wait to thank God now and also to be nearer to God this coming Sunday!!

I love you my Lord!

"You Are My All In All"

"In Christ Alone"

What is forsaken, salvation and wicked

I always see this 3 words appear in the book I read about Christ. Today I'm going to find out the meaning.

Forsaken

Often enough, I see this word "forsaken" in Bible and some related books. For example, David crys out "God, why have you abandoned me? Why have you forsaken me?" It means, why God keep a distant, and living David alone to suffer or face the pain by himself. So forsaken means leaving. Just to illustrate further on this, God sometimes seems to be distant away, according to the study, God is not leaving us to suffer, God want us to learn, and face the problem by ourself, and grow to become stronger. God will always be with us in pain or in joy.

Salvation

Salvation - being saved from danger or harm

In the Christian religion, salvation of a person or their spirit is the state of being saved from evil and its effects by the death of Jesus Christ on a cross.

I plan to visit this shop name Salvation sometime this weekend to get a New Living Translation Bible, and some Christian decoration for my house. Not sure whether they sell any of that. But I have been looking for these for quite sometimes.

Wicked

Apparently, there are 2 meanings of wicked which totally opposite one to the other.

1. Wicked is an old fashion of saying things done badly

2. Wicked is also means excellent

I believe what I read is the first meaning I suppose.

2nd and 3rd interview

My 2nd interview was with a bank, waiting for 1 hour for the interviwer but didn't show up, end up someone else from other department interview me. Though I feel that I will get the job, due to my past experience and also thank to my ex-company giant big name to impress people. But I felt that I am not very keen of the job. Reason being, I like money, but I don't really like to deal with money. That is why I failed my Finance in U.

Then the 2nd interview, though the interview shows interest in hiring me, but still need another round of interview from the boss. I kinda like that kind of job.

Now I am still stuck in making decision, though, God kinda hint to me either stay in Penang or in Singapore also will be the same for my career growth (if I don't interprete wrongly), but still I will have to make a decision really soon.

Should I fly to Singapore and persue my next career? At the same time, that could be a new start for my life. I will have to leave my dog here, my bf, and my mom here. Leaving my bf, I think will be a good challenge for him, as he do not have any intention to build a family wif me, we are just living together. If he really want to marry me, he should fight for it instead of me keep waiting till old age. As for my dog, I really have a heavy heart to leave him here, I need to have a strong and brave heart to move on. Then my mom, I am not a filiar daugther in Penang anyway, being always afraid of driving far, and always lazy and always finding execuses, I am really a bad daugther for my mom cause did not visit her often.

God, can please help me to give me the wisdom to make choices? I wish to make the right choice, and have a happy and stable life and future, cause that is the basic that I need to survive. Of course, I'll obey God's will and the purpose I need to perform in this life.

http://julia4jesus.multiply.com/

Marriage

What do you think about marriage? It's a life time commitment, to live to love and to take care of someone for the rest of your life. It's a very big word and big responsibility. Whether or not you will be holding that vow and promise, it's still another matter after years and years of living together, tolerance and different type of issue will arise when the kids arrive.

Everytime I see someone's wedding photo, I have 2 types of feeling. One is, I felt a bit jealous for what a lucky girl she is in that photo, getting married to someone she loves so much. How lucky she is that the guy proposed to her and ask to live together forever happily ever after. It's every girl's dream and fairy tale ending.

On the other hand, who will know what is going to happen next. Maybe I am too pessimistic to think life in this way, if you tend to worry too much for the future and worry for the worst to happen, you might not want to get involve in anything great in life after all. So, I am a very contradicting person, one hand I love to be in love, and yearn to be married to somone who loved me a lot and matured enough to think for our future and whatever consequences it will take if he made a mistake or betrayal... another hand, I'm also worried the marriage will end in a disaster.

I'm 33 years old now, very soon, i'll be 34.... 35..... 40.. and before I know it, I'm not attractive to anyone anymore and this will end forever for me to be a loner. 孤独终老 Will that be very sad? There's once, or twice, the fortune teller told me that it's very likely I'll end up alone in old age, that's very sadening and hurt to know it and not have the will to change it now...........

Though I have boyfriend now, but he never shows that he has a strong will to marry me. He's a divorce man, and with 2 kids, he has gone through the up and the down of the marriage , he has gone through the feeling of being the husband, the feeling of being a father. It's not fresh or something new for him to try out another time, he even told me if we were to have kids in future, it's going to be a burden to both of us to take care of small baby. Feeding milk to baby every 2 hours at night without fail, getting up and awaken in the middle of your sweet dream, feeding milk again, changing diaper, though I can imagine it's a hard work, but which parent didn't go through this? Though I am very sad and dissapointed to hear him say this, but my heart just close down and I just try to fan off whatever flame I have for marriage and building a family.

Well, all and all, I still wish to try it once in a life time, to get married, and have a kid. God, do you think it is a wise choice?

My dream wedding will be going through a Church Wedding, and playing the music of Canon in D. I'll cry on that day cause it's going to be so touching to hear that song and being married to the guy I love. (dreaming).

Awaiting for the "gentle whisper"

Ever since 2 weeks ago, I started to try to talk to God each day, sometime not praying, but just like talking to a friend. I want to build my friendship with God. But why am I not getting any "gentle whisper" so far? Is it now still at early stage? Or is it that I have not done something yet? Or it is not time yet?

I really wish to find out soon how is the feeling like... or will I ever have that feeling at all?

1st interview over

My first interview was over, managed to speak naturally and of course there are something which I am not totally being frank about yet.

What should I do now? If I got both offer in Penang and Singapore? Where should I go? God, can you help me to make the right choice, can you help me to have more wisdom to make the right decision?

Sunday Church - 2nd visit

This is the Church that I visit in Penang. This is the 2nd time I visited the Church for Sunday service. I prayed that I can feel God, as until now I have yet to have any 'touch' or response that I can feel that God is there listening to my prayer. Though I know God is there and always will be there, but I will wait for that day that I hear my prayer answered. I went to Adventist Bakery to get some bread and rolled oats after the service, then went on to a pet shop to buy some food and treats for my dear son.

I've still not recovered from my block nose and slight coughing, feeling very tired in the afternoon and went for a nap. My boyfriend is working today, so we do not have time to spend together outside. Maybe later on will go for a nice and simple dinner.

There will be 3 interview tomorrow, I'm so nervous. God bless me....

Just thinking...

I'm new.. new born baby to God's family. I have to become a Christian, but I believe it will be very soon. First, I am now learning to know more about God, and I need to go to Church continuously to get connected, cause I am still a small small baby, am I?

Does anyone has a 2nd chance? I always felt hopeless, and lost and regretted for the sin I have done in the past, for cheating someone, for hurting someone so deeply, for ruining someone and also my own future just by some irresponsible act. I do hope to get second chance to redo everything, but certain things are like a would, once you cut it, it will leave you with scar and it will stay there forever.

I wish to get out from depression, from darkness, from lost and God is the only choice I have that can help me. I need to find back myself, who and why God created me for, so I can serve God the right way. So, if I am reborn again, I feel better now, I need to let go the past, and build my future now with God.

What's on my mind now.....

I'll be going for interivew on Monday. I've stopped working since 1 and half month ago, my job was really a tiring and boring job. Everyone is asking why am I leaving without a job, I find this question very ridiculous and rational at the same time. Logically thinking, to survive and continue living, you need money, you need it for food, shelther, entertaintment and commitment of course. But are we born to this world to bear all those burden and continue to work and work and stuck in the rat-race like forever? I find life is so boring if what we have to do all is only work, job, career and that is all about all our life? I am not someone who seek to climb coproprate ladder, someone who is aggressive and someone who are really strong and like that status.

Perhaps I am someone more artistic, I like to study things, I know to know the history of different building, different culture, different country and different people from the world. There are no such job for me to do that can earn a living I guess. Maybe there is, like some famous photographer or reporter, they can travel to different places, interview different people and write about their lifes. I find this type of job fascinating, I have no idea how it feels like.

I also like to watch National Geographic, one can really learn and see a lot of things from this program, but too bad I don't have Astro install at home, maybe I'll go search from the net.

One New Saturday

This is one of my jobless Saturday. One worry-free, relax, free and easy Saturday morning. I've been sick for almost 3~4 weeks and slowing getting to recover now. I' writing this, and playing Canon in D at the same time, such a wonderful and touching piece and peace of music. I wonder why those great artist from hundred years ago can create such great great music, I don't know any particular famous one other than Ludwig van Beethoven though.

I'm thinking and doing what I like to do and be myself from now onwards. I didn't realise for my 33 years, I have spent my life, somehow or rather, trying to conform, or copy what other people is doing. Like everyone is getting a Degree, and I also must go and study Degree, everyone is getting married, and have children, I must also find a partner and settle down. Though this is what my original dream, but somehow, things and reality changed, and I'll have to adapt and change to a new role or new me. Though it seems weird to others why am I not getting married and setting up a family at this age? Is this what all our final dream is? I really don't know, I believe different people will have different dream. God created us differently, each and everyone shaped, faces, personality, talent, all different, I want to find out my purpose of life from God.

I always believe myself as someone who like languages, someone who like to play around with words, but I just did not study a very high in any language, somehow I feel that, writing will help to express my feeling, and also improve my knowledge. I dream, but not too bold enough to dream to be writer, as I do not have the right asset yet. Somehow, my first target will be reading this book "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I like her character a lot, cause she remind me a lot of things, some similiar encounter, but one thing different is, she can travel and do not have to worry of finance cause she's a writer, how I wish I can travel and write and also earn my living at the same time! That will be a perfect happy life for me~~!!