Demotivated - again

Why? I have this feeling of demotivated and down, and all of sudden felt so much depressed in such a sudden moment. I felt like I don't like what I am doing, my temper became bad again, I just feel like throwing all the burden and my job out and not to carry on with you again. What is wrong with me? What had happen to me that make me feel this way?

I felt what I am doing is not what I like. What and why I am doing what I am doing now is because I need to support my house, I need to pay my housing loan, and the bills. I want to get rid of the burden, and be free from the debt, and I want to go for world tour and not go come back so early. Can I do that?

God, can please give me a way, give me a clue, of how and what I should do to wake up from all this wrong doings?

I am thinking now that I want to rent out my whole house, I am seriously thinking about that.

I will have to seriously list down the things what I will leave here and what I will give away to my family.

After that I just go to somewhere?? But I will be lack of security. I will feel jobless and scared again. And I will fall to depression again, what should I do?

Sad Evening

God, can I complaint? It just seems so unfair. Why I have to be different? Why I have to be the one that getting this treatment? Why whenever I pray, to ask for your answer and talk to me, there is non, I don't see anything or hear anything from you.

I have been trying not to think negative things, and not to compare, why I always stuck here? Sometimes I feel happy to be with him when he is listening to me, but many times, I realise, he don't seems to care or bother what I told him to do. Sometimes, even in front of me, I told him not to do certain things cause I felt disgust, like playing with my dog's bird bird, I really don't like, I can shout here and he can ignore my shouthing all together. Why I have to be the one that give in? I have to be the one that accept all his bad things, he has nothing and can't give me anything in future. We have no future but still I have to be stuck with him? God, what you want me to learn from this relationship? Why?

Bella Italia

Had lunch with a friend, sort of celebrating birthday for him. Few weeks didn't see him, again he look at me with one kind of look which make me uncomfortable. Just very weird and awkward, but how do I tell him.

I really got to make myself start to work out, and start to on diet. I guess, tomorrow will be the best day to start.

Tomorrow is 21st November. I have been eating like no tomorrow for almost a year. I enjoy food, sometimes I overeat, or rather most of the time I over eat, and eat greedily, which is a bad habit. I wish to go back to normal healthier life, or balance diet. But I have been really fat now, i can't wear most of my clothes.

God, can you help me to slim down?

I need to go back to 50kg, now I am like 60kg.... 10kg to get rid off.

First, I need to come out with an exercise plan whereby I got to start doing daily. Get up earlier every morning and do exercise. for 30 min.

Then, I'll have to cut my dinner, either to have a light dinner or just have a glass of something.

I'll only eat breakfast (cereal) and lunch (try to choose more vege).

So, my exercise, weekend I'll go swimming in the morning, 7:15am wake up, start swim at 7:30am - 8:30 am (Sat and Sun).

Mon-Tue, wake up at 7am, go down at 7:15am, run till 7:45am. 8am change and wash up, 8:15am go out.

Got, above is my plan, please help me to have energy to stick to it, have faith to stick to it.

Tomorrow is Sunday, so I got to wake up at 7:15am. Daily sleep by 10:30pm latest.

Good luck to me. My target is to reach 50kg by February 2011.

Mixture feeling

Our mind is a wonderful thing, don't you think so? A strong controlled mind, can make things move. An uncontrolled mind, will make someone act someting stupid.....

Something you see, can relate and make you think of someting else. Tried to help my sis look for Singapore food site today, came across the koay chap photo.... this remind me of Jerason. The Bedok koay chap used to be his favourite. It brings back so many memories, my dog, Dino... I have fear to face him, have fear to know how are they now. I am fully and sincerely feeling sorry for my deed to him especially. I can't remember specifically, what and why make me don't appreciate him, he was a nice and good guy, and he treated me really well. I can say, all the good things and good food I tasted, was sponsored by him, all the branded stuff I ever have chance to try on, all by him.

I guess, what you don't appreciate, will not be given to you again, even if you regretted it and willing to change for it... time will not turn back, and there is not always a second chance available.

Have a thought to contact him just want to know how he is, and wish he is good. It's very contradicting of myself, if I know he is not in good shape, I'll feel very sad and guilty and bad. If I know that he is moving on well and had a happy family, what will you think I'll feel? Am just so contradicting.

Guess.... leaving it as it is, is the best move.

All about timing

Just want to say, it's all about timing. Nowaday, he seldom accompany because he got to work 6 days a week, and whenever we have time to spend together, I would be really happy.

Yesterday was Deepavali, he was off. I was so happy that we can finally go shopping and have a good meal after so long cause I didn't go shopping alone. When we were about to step in the shopping mall, he said he felt his breathing uncomfortabe, his asthma might start anytime. I was really sad and upset about it cause we can't really do anything together other than he come back, sleep with me, that's all.

So knowing that he's feeling unwell, I tried to rush and quickly finish my shopping. He said it was ok, and we continue to go and have our brunch at Japin. Before I can start eating my set, his wife called, asking him to bank in RM500 for them. It again, ruining my mood..., while he is owing money to his family, I still ask him out to enjoy with me. It really felt like a whole barrel of cold water pour from my head to my toe and wash away all the mood.

My strange 3rd dream....

Last nite, I had a weird dream. There's this guy, my ex-colleague, younger than me 7 years old. We kinda had a relationship in the past, for a short period, he was the first man I had affair with after my 5 years relationship with my stable boyfriend.

We didn't end up to be together cause it was kinda complicated at the time cause he also propose to his new gf to be with him.

So I had a weird dream about him, we talked on the phone, and he proposed to me on the phone. Suddenly in my dream, I felt happy and I felt to have hope again.

2nd dream after I started to read the Bible

I dream of his 2 daughters. I can't remember clearly what happen in the dream. But I remember her eldest daugther spoke to me, something about "new mommy". And I vaguely remember his youngest daugther said that she missed her daddy.

Is that one of my deepest sin inside my soul trying to reveal something? God, what is the path that You want me to take and choose and walk? Is this the path? I admit and I confess my sin and my wrong deed of the past, I am willing to pay and being punished, but will it be forever, shall I be punished for my whole life when I am still alive in this earth until I leave this earth? Father God, please guide me and show me the light and the right path. I am willing to be of your servant anytime.

Bible

I tried to get the right version of Bible for myself during the weekend. Tried to go to The Baptist Bookstore but the shop closed by the time I finished work on Friday.

On Sunday, tried to go to One-Stop, SALVATION bookstore and get one. I think my eye was blinded at the time I choose the Bible... I didn't see the one I choosen and paid was actually for the children, age 6-10, with pink color cover and a dragonfly. I was shy to get it return and change, so i kept it, though it was not cheap.

At night, I went to Borders and try to search for the Bible, cause I only want the NIV version, manage to find one, also with colorful cover, but this time is not for kids anymore, but the price is almost double, so expensive, but I bought it anyway.

I tried to read it, a few pages, on the New Testamen... about the history of Jesus..., will try to continue to read it tonight.

Before that, I wanted to share what a strange dream I had last night. I dream of my belated father. He passed away when I was 19 years old, that was like 14 years ago. I don't have much feeling about it since we were not living together since I was small, so I don't really love my father. Even towards his old age, when he had cancer and getting really weak, me and my mom, together with my sis, seldom go and visit him also. This is kinda sad actually, but this is a fact, because he didn't stay with us as a family, as a 2nd family of him, we don't really know how to love each other like a family.

The dream about last night, I don't know and don't understand why I got that dream, I was kinda close to my dad in the dream, he was getting really sick, he used to be a very strong and tall man, with dark skin. In the dream, I was able to carry him, as he was so weak, I need to carry him and let him lye down on the bed. I still can feel the closeness now, and I cried in my dream when I try to tell someone about the situation. I miss him, my dad, but I couldn't do anything now. He is no longer here....