I can't stand the loneliness and emptiness without him, I was defeated by that feeling and contacted him. He sound ready to pick up the phone and talk to me... can sense a bit that he missed me too. He got his friend company, that is why can be 'standing' the feeling for so long. He said he thought I had gone to KL already, but I have not talk much..
I am in fact tired, about myself, being changing job, arguing with him, breaking up, patching back, wanting to stay back in Pg or moving away, my house, my dog, etc. So so tired...
He willing to come and see me and buy me dinner last night. He even feed me to eat, which I feel quite loving and caring. I wish we can be loving and devoting to each other forever like this. Although he has nothing, and has lots of bad thing, I still be happy with him as long as he loves me.
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Sunday
We broke up again, on Thur evening, I couldn't endure anymore that he care for me less than a bicycle. His mind and everything is only his own interest, his bicycle, his hobby and his friend.
Where am I in his heart? Do I still an important someone in his heart? Everytime I talk about this he never admit that he neglected me, how am I able to accept him anymore if he has not show care to me anymore. He has nothing at all, no car, no house no money, and now no heart, what shall I think to maintain the relationship to work?
I've not seen him few days aft Sg trip, and I suppose to leave soon.. and yet he still don't treasure the time left to see me.... I think he just not love me. He rather go out whole day with his friend to see bicycle, and come back late at night.... and I am always his last priority, and he never feel guilty.
I miss him but now think of it, I still very pissed!
Where am I in his heart? Do I still an important someone in his heart? Everytime I talk about this he never admit that he neglected me, how am I able to accept him anymore if he has not show care to me anymore. He has nothing at all, no car, no house no money, and now no heart, what shall I think to maintain the relationship to work?
I've not seen him few days aft Sg trip, and I suppose to leave soon.. and yet he still don't treasure the time left to see me.... I think he just not love me. He rather go out whole day with his friend to see bicycle, and come back late at night.... and I am always his last priority, and he never feel guilty.
I miss him but now think of it, I still very pissed!
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Hi World... again
Hi.. i'm so lonely. :)
Emptiness... floating... in the middle of ocean....... it's not sad.... it's not happy.... it's somewhere in between..... somewhere I don't know where...........
Listening to "Dying in the Sun" ................. will you hold on to me... i am feeling frail.................... I wanted to be so perfect you see......... I wanted to be so perfect...... why?
Thursday... next Monday I shall be reporting work in KL, but i'm feeling so resist to go, what shall I do? Just don't go right? I'll think about it for another 24 hours... but I almost know the answer, I will not be happy to go...
I just back from Sg trip, a tiring trip. No doubt, Singapore is a better place to work and live? With better quality life, better life style, healthier and more fruitful and updated with whatever............ hmm, does it really matters? I think, live fully where you are now, and help people, and that will also find true happiness.
Different people will have different purpose in life, there is no need to follow or copy other people steps. I am 34 now, I should think for myself, for what I need to do, and not what other people think what I should do. What is the real me? I need to live out the true me.
I have a lot of things on my mind, I wish to talk to him, or my partner, about what is on my mind, but he will never be around which is as expected. If I love him, I will have to accept that. So, I can only write in the blog ...........
You know about the Japan Tsunami? It happen just a day before I fly to Sg, it hit Japan on evening of Friday, 11th March 2011. Up to date, there has been 11,000 thousand people dead, the country is hit by 3 disaster.. earthquake, tsunami, and nucklear attack. I can't help but crying watching the footage of the tsunami coming so fast to wash away everything......... is really everything, it's so powerful.... it was away, cars, boats, plane, houses and all living things............. it's so powerful that shows we, human being are so vulnerable.....
The world is facing big issue.... I think my issue is so small if compare to this big news. It only affected me, why am I only thinking about myself all the time and not being able to be happy, it clearly shows that I am focusing on the wrong thing.
I learn one sentence or rather the sentence attract my attention today when I watch the 21st Dec 2012 footage... whether the world is going to end or not, we have to live to the fullest, and live to the best and be happy, and helping others is one of the key to the door of happiness.
Helping........................................ a lot of things pop up on my mind. First thing I think of is to give donation, but financially I am still so feeling reluctant to give away my money, cause I am now going to jobless soon............................... why it's like chicken and egg story.....?
You know... now is 830pm. And he still don't wana show himself back home. This is what he give to me.... no accompany, no support, no $, this is my bf.....................no time. One word, dissapointment.
Emptiness... floating... in the middle of ocean....... it's not sad.... it's not happy.... it's somewhere in between..... somewhere I don't know where...........
Listening to "Dying in the Sun" ................. will you hold on to me... i am feeling frail.................... I wanted to be so perfect you see......... I wanted to be so perfect...... why?
Thursday... next Monday I shall be reporting work in KL, but i'm feeling so resist to go, what shall I do? Just don't go right? I'll think about it for another 24 hours... but I almost know the answer, I will not be happy to go...
I just back from Sg trip, a tiring trip. No doubt, Singapore is a better place to work and live? With better quality life, better life style, healthier and more fruitful and updated with whatever............ hmm, does it really matters? I think, live fully where you are now, and help people, and that will also find true happiness.
Different people will have different purpose in life, there is no need to follow or copy other people steps. I am 34 now, I should think for myself, for what I need to do, and not what other people think what I should do. What is the real me? I need to live out the true me.
I have a lot of things on my mind, I wish to talk to him, or my partner, about what is on my mind, but he will never be around which is as expected. If I love him, I will have to accept that. So, I can only write in the blog ...........
You know about the Japan Tsunami? It happen just a day before I fly to Sg, it hit Japan on evening of Friday, 11th March 2011. Up to date, there has been 11,000 thousand people dead, the country is hit by 3 disaster.. earthquake, tsunami, and nucklear attack. I can't help but crying watching the footage of the tsunami coming so fast to wash away everything......... is really everything, it's so powerful.... it was away, cars, boats, plane, houses and all living things............. it's so powerful that shows we, human being are so vulnerable.....
The world is facing big issue.... I think my issue is so small if compare to this big news. It only affected me, why am I only thinking about myself all the time and not being able to be happy, it clearly shows that I am focusing on the wrong thing.
I learn one sentence or rather the sentence attract my attention today when I watch the 21st Dec 2012 footage... whether the world is going to end or not, we have to live to the fullest, and live to the best and be happy, and helping others is one of the key to the door of happiness.
Helping........................................ a lot of things pop up on my mind. First thing I think of is to give donation, but financially I am still so feeling reluctant to give away my money, cause I am now going to jobless soon............................... why it's like chicken and egg story.....?
You know... now is 830pm. And he still don't wana show himself back home. This is what he give to me.... no accompany, no support, no $, this is my bf.....................no time. One word, dissapointment.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Decision.......
Why is it so hard to decide to leave him. Why is it so hard to decide and insist to leave him. Why am I giving myself hard time, why am I having this feeling? I can do it to leave him, why I can't know? What had happen to me? I am feeling really helpless and hopeless, my days in this world is getting worst each day. I don't see my future... however i know future is build by my own. But I am so depressed to think of how to build anything for myself...................... Why am I depressed? I can't think of anything that I make right, I can't trust myself anymore, I do not have confident in doing the thing right anymore, I am having so so low self-esteem............................
Today is 20 January 2010, Thursday. Thaipusam Day. Where were I last year Thaipusam day? Should be somewhere, middle of relationship disaster. I had those bad memory still fresh on my mind..., those guy that hurt me......... I truely believe it's my retribution. It's what I done in the past, that cause me to suffer now, and face all the bad things by myself.
I want to be strong, I want to wake up, stand up, pick up myself, walk forward, march ahead, no matter what is in front, just bang the wall, or hit the bricks, I still need to march on...............................
"Tough" this is my life huh. This is the word, someone gave to me, telling I will have a tough life.
CNY is near, I don't feel any excitement also, same as before. Maybe last time I felt happier, now I felt worst........................
Today is 20 January 2010, Thursday. Thaipusam Day. Where were I last year Thaipusam day? Should be somewhere, middle of relationship disaster. I had those bad memory still fresh on my mind..., those guy that hurt me......... I truely believe it's my retribution. It's what I done in the past, that cause me to suffer now, and face all the bad things by myself.
I want to be strong, I want to wake up, stand up, pick up myself, walk forward, march ahead, no matter what is in front, just bang the wall, or hit the bricks, I still need to march on...............................
"Tough" this is my life huh. This is the word, someone gave to me, telling I will have a tough life.
CNY is near, I don't feel any excitement also, same as before. Maybe last time I felt happier, now I felt worst........................
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Worried lead to sadness........
I am really worried. My current salary is really only enough to cover my basic. Even I purchase some item, I would be really hard to cover. I feel really sad and blame myself for all the stupid thing I done. Stupid mistake, stupid action, lead to stupid consequences. It's scarry to see my bank account going our is higher than coming in. I can really feel the mind keep worried for the problem that I maybe facing... and I am going to Singapore soon, for another spending, I will not have enough money to cover. What should I do?
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Passion for.......
Everyone single one in this world, was created with a purpose. Of course, including myself. It is so unique that, there is no identical twin in this world...... u may look alike, but not think alike, you may think alike, but not act alike, not having the same destiy.................. this is the wonder of this life...................
Though, I am a bit disappointed with the whole incident this morning, is ok. I'll stand up, continue my journey, face life each day..... have to face with a happy heart, not only face it.
I owe a lot to this life, this body, this soul of me in this world. I could have been living better. But there is no point looking at "could have been", as we can't change the psat. "What will be now"..... is what I should see and focus on, my dear, my ownself dear........
What passion do I have?
I have passion for food. I love making food, preparing it, and turn it into nice delicious dishes, and let my love one taste it, or let my friends taste it. It's a satisfaction to me........I made my first pizza today. Using my new oven, quite excited to see the color changing into golden brown in the oven. How I wish my dear can taste it the first one.
Will we be together till old, forever? We break, patch back, break patch back..... countless time. Is it my destiny to be with him? Or it is just another trial, another punishment, another test, another endless suffering in my world? Why do I have to be so pessimistic, so negative in all and all.......
Another passion of mine, is doggy. I love dogs.............. they are so lovely, cute and warm to be around. Although recently there is a news, bad news where a foreginer being attacked and killed by a dog. It is so sad for that person, and to that dog as well. It will be put to sleep I suppose............
But, this is consider an accident, dog, is also an animal, just like human, human also kill human and the case is even more, much much more than dog killing human...........
I intend to buy another puppy girl. Will name her Pepper. Nice or not? I think of a few, Angel, Maggie, YaoYao, YoYo, LuLu, Nancy......... i think will stick with Pepper....
Though, I am a bit disappointed with the whole incident this morning, is ok. I'll stand up, continue my journey, face life each day..... have to face with a happy heart, not only face it.
I owe a lot to this life, this body, this soul of me in this world. I could have been living better. But there is no point looking at "could have been", as we can't change the psat. "What will be now"..... is what I should see and focus on, my dear, my ownself dear........
What passion do I have?
I have passion for food. I love making food, preparing it, and turn it into nice delicious dishes, and let my love one taste it, or let my friends taste it. It's a satisfaction to me........I made my first pizza today. Using my new oven, quite excited to see the color changing into golden brown in the oven. How I wish my dear can taste it the first one.
Will we be together till old, forever? We break, patch back, break patch back..... countless time. Is it my destiny to be with him? Or it is just another trial, another punishment, another test, another endless suffering in my world? Why do I have to be so pessimistic, so negative in all and all.......
Another passion of mine, is doggy. I love dogs.............. they are so lovely, cute and warm to be around. Although recently there is a news, bad news where a foreginer being attacked and killed by a dog. It is so sad for that person, and to that dog as well. It will be put to sleep I suppose............
But, this is consider an accident, dog, is also an animal, just like human, human also kill human and the case is even more, much much more than dog killing human...........
I intend to buy another puppy girl. Will name her Pepper. Nice or not? I think of a few, Angel, Maggie, YaoYao, YoYo, LuLu, Nancy......... i think will stick with Pepper....
Monday, 17 January 2011
Hi World........
I'm a lonely, lonely girl. Got no one to turn to when I am down. I belong to this world, I want to talk to the world, I want to talk to someone, or something, that know why am I be born into the world?
Life purpose, my purpose, my mission in this world, I haven't discover it. Why? Why am I so difficult to find the way out......
Why my life seems to be in the circle, round and round and never able to find the right way out.
This life, need us to work, and to earn money in order to sustain life. But will work be happy? Will we be able to find what we love to do and earn a living from it? Will I be able to? What is it that I need to do......
Dear God,
Are you there? I'm so lonely, and I am feeling down today. I wish to be someone,
i wish to be successful in something I like to do, and stand out from the crowd.
Life purpose, my purpose, my mission in this world, I haven't discover it. Why? Why am I so difficult to find the way out......
Why my life seems to be in the circle, round and round and never able to find the right way out.
This life, need us to work, and to earn money in order to sustain life. But will work be happy? Will we be able to find what we love to do and earn a living from it? Will I be able to? What is it that I need to do......
Dear God,
Are you there? I'm so lonely, and I am feeling down today. I wish to be someone,
i wish to be successful in something I like to do, and stand out from the crowd.
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