I am back...

It's been almost a year since I stopped. Time flies. I am turning 35 this year. It's half of a lifetime passed, I left with another the half to make it worthwhile to come into this world before I say bye-bye to this earth.

Apparently, there is no big impact, big results or big success I have achieve so far. More importantly, I haven't really living truly all this while, I haven't really living in full purpose all this while. It's really a big regret for the years that has gone by.

What is the purpose of my life? Will the spiritual path guide me to the right purpose of my life? Is there anyone watching us in this world? Like the creator of this world, watching us... seeing us make mistake, recording it down in a book, and punish us one day when come to the day of judgement?

I have many regrets in my life. Mistakes that I have made, wrong decision that I have chosen, sins that I had committed. The nightmare haunts me every now and then at night, leading me to miserable moments....

I have many dreams when I was younger.. when I get older, it seems that I have collected much wounds and junks that make me lost and weighed down, tired, hopeless, helpless, careless and mindless each day pass by.....

It seems I have many hidden emotion, feeling, voices inside me which couldn't escape from my heart. I want to fully let go of the past, and live fully now, but sometimes the pass will come visit me in my quiet room. Make me feel so guilty, and blue.

I feel so much need to let go my emotion, my feeling, wishing so much to find someone who can really understand me and accept me as what I am...........

Rainy Monday

I can't stand the loneliness and emptiness without him, I was defeated by that feeling and contacted him. He sound ready to pick up the phone and talk to me... can sense a bit that he missed me too. He got his friend company, that is why can be 'standing' the feeling for so long. He said he thought I had gone to KL already, but I have not talk much..

I am in fact tired, about myself, being changing job, arguing with him, breaking up, patching back, wanting to stay back in Pg or moving away, my house, my dog, etc. So so tired...

He willing to come and see me and buy me dinner last night. He even feed me to eat, which I feel quite loving and caring. I wish we can be loving and devoting to each other forever like this. Although he has nothing, and has lots of bad thing, I still be happy with him as long as he loves me.

Sunday

We broke up again, on Thur evening, I couldn't endure anymore that he care for me less than a bicycle. His mind and everything is only his own interest, his bicycle, his hobby and his friend.

Where am I in his heart? Do I still an important someone in his heart? Everytime I talk about this he never admit that he neglected me, how am I able to accept him anymore if he has not show care to me anymore. He has nothing at all, no car, no house no money, and now no heart, what shall I think to maintain the relationship to work?

I've not seen him few days aft Sg trip, and I suppose to leave soon.. and yet he still don't treasure the time left to see me.... I think he just not love me. He rather go out whole day with his friend to see bicycle, and come back late at night.... and I am always his last priority, and he never feel guilty.

I miss him but now think of it, I still very pissed!

Hi World... again

Hi.. i'm so lonely. :)

Emptiness... floating... in the middle of ocean....... it's not sad.... it's not happy.... it's somewhere in between..... somewhere I don't know where...........

Listening to "Dying in the Sun" ................. will you hold on to me... i am feeling frail.................... I wanted to be so perfect you see......... I wanted to be so perfect...... why?

Thursday... next Monday I shall be reporting work in KL, but i'm feeling so resist to go, what shall I do? Just don't go right? I'll think about it for another 24 hours... but I almost know the answer, I will not be happy to go...

I just back from Sg trip, a tiring trip. No doubt, Singapore is a better place to work and live? With better quality life, better life style, healthier and more fruitful and updated with whatever............ hmm, does it really matters? I think, live fully where you are now, and help people, and that will also find true happiness.

Different people will have different purpose in life, there is no need to follow or copy other people steps. I am 34 now, I should think for myself, for what I need to do, and not what other people think what I should do. What is the real me? I need to live out the true me.

I have a lot of things on my mind, I wish to talk to him, or my partner, about what is on my mind, but he will never be around which is as expected. If I love him, I will have to accept that. So, I can only write in the blog ...........

You know about the Japan Tsunami? It happen just a day before I fly to Sg, it hit Japan on evening of Friday, 11th March 2011. Up to date, there has been 11,000 thousand people dead, the country is hit by 3 disaster.. earthquake, tsunami, and nucklear attack. I can't help but crying watching the footage of the tsunami coming so fast to wash away everything......... is really everything, it's so powerful.... it was away, cars, boats, plane, houses and all living things............. it's so powerful that shows we, human being are so vulnerable.....

The world is facing big issue.... I think my issue is so small if compare to this big news. It only affected me, why am I only thinking about myself all the time and not being able to be happy, it clearly shows that I am focusing on the wrong thing.

I learn one sentence or rather the sentence attract my attention today when I watch the 21st Dec 2012 footage... whether the world is going to end or not, we have to live to the fullest, and live to the best and be happy, and helping others is one of the key to the door of happiness.

Helping........................................ a lot of things pop up on my mind. First thing I think of is to give donation, but financially I am still so feeling reluctant to give away my money, cause I am now going to jobless soon............................... why it's like chicken and egg story.....?

You know... now is 830pm. And he still don't wana show himself back home. This is what he give to me.... no accompany, no support, no $, this is my bf.....................no time. One word, dissapointment.

Decision.......

Why is it so hard to decide to leave him. Why is it so hard to decide and insist to leave him. Why am I giving myself hard time, why am I having this feeling? I can do it to leave him, why I can't know? What had happen to me? I am feeling really helpless and hopeless, my days in this world is getting worst each day. I don't see my future... however i know future is build by my own. But I am so depressed to think of how to build anything for myself...................... Why am I depressed? I can't think of anything that I make right, I can't trust myself anymore, I do not have confident in doing the thing right anymore, I am having so so low self-esteem............................

Today is 20 January 2010, Thursday. Thaipusam Day. Where were I last year Thaipusam day? Should be somewhere, middle of relationship disaster. I had those bad memory still fresh on my mind..., those guy that hurt me......... I truely believe it's my retribution. It's what I done in the past, that cause me to suffer now, and face all the bad things by myself.

I want to be strong, I want to wake up, stand up, pick up myself, walk forward, march ahead, no matter what is in front, just bang the wall, or hit the bricks, I still need to march on...............................

"Tough" this is my life huh. This is the word, someone gave to me, telling I will have a tough life.

CNY is near, I don't feel any excitement also, same as before. Maybe last time I felt happier, now I felt worst........................

为什么？

为什么我会一直不开心？我真的想死了算了。。。
为什么没有一样事情，我是做对的呢？没一样，都错，错，错，错，错，错，错又再错。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

为什么要折磨我。。。。。

Worried lead to sadness........

I am really worried. My current salary is really only enough to cover my basic. Even I purchase some item, I would be really hard to cover. I feel really sad and blame myself for all the stupid thing I done. Stupid mistake, stupid action, lead to stupid consequences. It's scarry to see my bank account going our is higher than coming in. I can really feel the mind keep worried for the problem that I maybe facing... and I am going to Singapore soon, for another spending, I will not have enough money to cover. What should I do?