嗨，涵。你还好吗？
我还死不了。。。只是需要时间来疗伤。可能是麻木了吧。连续两年在这个季节承受打击。爱情的魔力，可真大。

我，坚持的，要把自己拔掉。从你的世界消失，消失得无影无踪。
希望你不要怪我。我一直都不开心，我们根本不适合对方。托了对方那么久，大家都累了吧。

你还年轻，你有选择。我呢？有想过我的感受吗？

不需要再打来找我了。我会把爱你的这颗心消灭掉。

我不能面对面再跟你谈了，我已经没力气了。我们是应该结束了，再托下去对彼此都没有好处。

跟你在一起的三年，你有对我真心付出过吗？你对人对事，有真正用心对待吗？如果有的话，下场不会这样。你连自己女朋友的名字都不会写。你有去了解我不开心是为了什么吗？你有想过给我幸福的生活吗？你有想过，我不开心的时候会做什么吗？如果有，你是不会不知道我都在这边写心事。

不要来找我了。把握忘掉，从新开始新的生活。你会得到自由，好好创造自己的将来吧，我跟你没有一样的梦，不能同一步走。

要开心，要真心对待人和事，不要遗憾，不要后悔，要长大了。

New chapter going to start soon?

Two days ago, that was 16 Dec, 2010 I broke up with him. It is a sudden break up to him, though our problem has been dragging for ever since we started until now, which is 3 years. We were not suppose to be together. Our age gap, background, value, believes all are facing opposite direction. We do not have any common goals, common dream, common interest, and we can still last for 3 years. I truely believe that I really loved him, if not, I will not make it last for so long. Every time he make any mistake, I forgive him, any dissapointment he gave to me, I forgive him, I give in everything I can give in, to let him be happy.... but..... did he really appreciate me? Did he really treat me as his love one? Did he ever seat down and think, what I really need and wanted? I am so tired of being the Mother Teressa of him, every mercy, ever generous, and ever loving to him. I am not perfect, I am not his "mother", I am no one, I get nothing by doing all things I do. Why I do the things for him is because I love him, I love doing things for him, all I want from him is what? Did I ever say I wanted to leave him because he has got nothing? Did I say I wanted to leave him because he did not take time to talk to me for what we suppose to communicate? Yes. He did not give me any "time". He has his world, we do not live in the same world. I feel so lonely being with him. I am so tired. So so so tired...............

I wish it was a dream. I can wake up now, I totally out of his life, and he is totally out of mine now. End everything on 16th December 2010.

Facebook

Sometimes, I am confuse of what i really wanted. When I see photo of my ex-colleagues, I felt that why I can't survive in my ex-company? Why they all look so happy? Is it only the surface? They also suffering and fighting each day, but the continue, they hold on to their faith, and they presevere. God, is it because I am weak that I gave up?

I am like a lost sheep, after resigned, I have no direction for my career. Every other people looks so rich in their life, pocket is rich, social life and being pampered all the way. Actually I have passed this life of pampered, I had experienced it, I choosed not to continue being pampered at the same time being stressed. I choosed it, I shouldn't feel jealous or envy when I look at their happy photo, right?

Me too, can be pampered if I choosed to, just that I gave up.

What is my next journey?

Tiring....

Today, 5th December Sunday, cloudy day. Didn't turn up at church, was with my family, my mom, my 2 nieces (ah ling & ah nee).

I have a lot of thoughts and felt gloomy, continuosly for few days. I can feel that my heart is crying and giving up hope to fight and complaint. Physically, from the surface, I look and seems to have everything what I should have, except I had a final goal haven't show to the world, that is I am still not yet settle down with a man. God know what I really want, but either it's not time yet or, that is not the life I can have. So, put aside this...

I'm happy, and appreciate the time I spent with my family yesterday and today. Brought them to a few places, we went to 1st Avenue, had Ice Cream and Hagan Daz, then went to Straits Quay, then had western food at James Restaurant. I'm really happy with them. Though sometimes I feel really incomplete, I felt that I will be normal and happier if I have my husband and my kid with me. But once a while girls out (mom, me and sis) are also fun. I just worry the topic of when will I get married came out from their mouth. Anway, that is not up to me to control. If yours, is yours, if not yours, no point to force.

I'm more worried for my career and future now. Guess everything can be settled, my house will be rented out or sold eventually, Wallace will have to be taken care by someone eventually, my boyfriend, will focus on his business, either wait for me, or find another girl friend. My mom and sis, will continue their life like either when I am here or not.

I wish to find a job that can let me travel to different places, what job has that? I want to see the world. I want to find a job that can use my creativity, I do not know whether I have or not, but I guess it will be something that make me want more from the job and that kicks the motivaton button. I do not know whether I am able to find that or not, and I am 90% feeling hopeless of Penang's job cause I hardly found any.

I guess the gloominess that I am feeling now is cause by this. I got to leave here and go to another place, and start all over.

Demotivated - again

Why? I have this feeling of demotivated and down, and all of sudden felt so much depressed in such a sudden moment. I felt like I don't like what I am doing, my temper became bad again, I just feel like throwing all the burden and my job out and not to carry on with you again. What is wrong with me? What had happen to me that make me feel this way?

I felt what I am doing is not what I like. What and why I am doing what I am doing now is because I need to support my house, I need to pay my housing loan, and the bills. I want to get rid of the burden, and be free from the debt, and I want to go for world tour and not go come back so early. Can I do that?

God, can please give me a way, give me a clue, of how and what I should do to wake up from all this wrong doings?

I am thinking now that I want to rent out my whole house, I am seriously thinking about that.

I will have to seriously list down the things what I will leave here and what I will give away to my family.

After that I just go to somewhere?? But I will be lack of security. I will feel jobless and scared again. And I will fall to depression again, what should I do?

Sad Evening

God, can I complaint? It just seems so unfair. Why I have to be different? Why I have to be the one that getting this treatment? Why whenever I pray, to ask for your answer and talk to me, there is non, I don't see anything or hear anything from you.

I have been trying not to think negative things, and not to compare, why I always stuck here? Sometimes I feel happy to be with him when he is listening to me, but many times, I realise, he don't seems to care or bother what I told him to do. Sometimes, even in front of me, I told him not to do certain things cause I felt disgust, like playing with my dog's bird bird, I really don't like, I can shout here and he can ignore my shouthing all together. Why I have to be the one that give in? I have to be the one that accept all his bad things, he has nothing and can't give me anything in future. We have no future but still I have to be stuck with him? God, what you want me to learn from this relationship? Why?

Bella Italia

Had lunch with a friend, sort of celebrating birthday for him. Few weeks didn't see him, again he look at me with one kind of look which make me uncomfortable. Just very weird and awkward, but how do I tell him.

I really got to make myself start to work out, and start to on diet. I guess, tomorrow will be the best day to start.

Tomorrow is 21st November. I have been eating like no tomorrow for almost a year. I enjoy food, sometimes I overeat, or rather most of the time I over eat, and eat greedily, which is a bad habit. I wish to go back to normal healthier life, or balance diet. But I have been really fat now, i can't wear most of my clothes.

God, can you help me to slim down?

I need to go back to 50kg, now I am like 60kg.... 10kg to get rid off.

First, I need to come out with an exercise plan whereby I got to start doing daily. Get up earlier every morning and do exercise. for 30 min.

Then, I'll have to cut my dinner, either to have a light dinner or just have a glass of something.

I'll only eat breakfast (cereal) and lunch (try to choose more vege).

So, my exercise, weekend I'll go swimming in the morning, 7:15am wake up, start swim at 7:30am - 8:30 am (Sat and Sun).

Mon-Tue, wake up at 7am, go down at 7:15am, run till 7:45am. 8am change and wash up, 8:15am go out.

Got, above is my plan, please help me to have energy to stick to it, have faith to stick to it.

Tomorrow is Sunday, so I got to wake up at 7:15am. Daily sleep by 10:30pm latest.

Good luck to me. My target is to reach 50kg by February 2011.

Mixture feeling

Our mind is a wonderful thing, don't you think so? A strong controlled mind, can make things move. An uncontrolled mind, will make someone act someting stupid.....

Something you see, can relate and make you think of someting else. Tried to help my sis look for Singapore food site today, came across the koay chap photo.... this remind me of Jerason. The Bedok koay chap used to be his favourite. It brings back so many memories, my dog, Dino... I have fear to face him, have fear to know how are they now. I am fully and sincerely feeling sorry for my deed to him especially. I can't remember specifically, what and why make me don't appreciate him, he was a nice and good guy, and he treated me really well. I can say, all the good things and good food I tasted, was sponsored by him, all the branded stuff I ever have chance to try on, all by him.

I guess, what you don't appreciate, will not be given to you again, even if you regretted it and willing to change for it... time will not turn back, and there is not always a second chance available.

Have a thought to contact him just want to know how he is, and wish he is good. It's very contradicting of myself, if I know he is not in good shape, I'll feel very sad and guilty and bad. If I know that he is moving on well and had a happy family, what will you think I'll feel? Am just so contradicting.

Guess.... leaving it as it is, is the best move.

All about timing

Just want to say, it's all about timing. Nowaday, he seldom accompany because he got to work 6 days a week, and whenever we have time to spend together, I would be really happy.

Yesterday was Deepavali, he was off. I was so happy that we can finally go shopping and have a good meal after so long cause I didn't go shopping alone. When we were about to step in the shopping mall, he said he felt his breathing uncomfortabe, his asthma might start anytime. I was really sad and upset about it cause we can't really do anything together other than he come back, sleep with me, that's all.

So knowing that he's feeling unwell, I tried to rush and quickly finish my shopping. He said it was ok, and we continue to go and have our brunch at Japin. Before I can start eating my set, his wife called, asking him to bank in RM500 for them. It again, ruining my mood..., while he is owing money to his family, I still ask him out to enjoy with me. It really felt like a whole barrel of cold water pour from my head to my toe and wash away all the mood.

My strange 3rd dream....

Last nite, I had a weird dream. There's this guy, my ex-colleague, younger than me 7 years old. We kinda had a relationship in the past, for a short period, he was the first man I had affair with after my 5 years relationship with my stable boyfriend.

We didn't end up to be together cause it was kinda complicated at the time cause he also propose to his new gf to be with him.

So I had a weird dream about him, we talked on the phone, and he proposed to me on the phone. Suddenly in my dream, I felt happy and I felt to have hope again.

2nd dream after I started to read the Bible

I dream of his 2 daughters. I can't remember clearly what happen in the dream. But I remember her eldest daugther spoke to me, something about "new mommy". And I vaguely remember his youngest daugther said that she missed her daddy.

Is that one of my deepest sin inside my soul trying to reveal something? God, what is the path that You want me to take and choose and walk? Is this the path? I admit and I confess my sin and my wrong deed of the past, I am willing to pay and being punished, but will it be forever, shall I be punished for my whole life when I am still alive in this earth until I leave this earth? Father God, please guide me and show me the light and the right path. I am willing to be of your servant anytime.

Bible

I tried to get the right version of Bible for myself during the weekend. Tried to go to The Baptist Bookstore but the shop closed by the time I finished work on Friday.

On Sunday, tried to go to One-Stop, SALVATION bookstore and get one. I think my eye was blinded at the time I choose the Bible... I didn't see the one I choosen and paid was actually for the children, age 6-10, with pink color cover and a dragonfly. I was shy to get it return and change, so i kept it, though it was not cheap.

At night, I went to Borders and try to search for the Bible, cause I only want the NIV version, manage to find one, also with colorful cover, but this time is not for kids anymore, but the price is almost double, so expensive, but I bought it anyway.

I tried to read it, a few pages, on the New Testamen... about the history of Jesus..., will try to continue to read it tonight.

Before that, I wanted to share what a strange dream I had last night. I dream of my belated father. He passed away when I was 19 years old, that was like 14 years ago. I don't have much feeling about it since we were not living together since I was small, so I don't really love my father. Even towards his old age, when he had cancer and getting really weak, me and my mom, together with my sis, seldom go and visit him also. This is kinda sad actually, but this is a fact, because he didn't stay with us as a family, as a 2nd family of him, we don't really know how to love each other like a family.

The dream about last night, I don't know and don't understand why I got that dream, I was kinda close to my dad in the dream, he was getting really sick, he used to be a very strong and tall man, with dark skin. In the dream, I was able to carry him, as he was so weak, I need to carry him and let him lye down on the bed. I still can feel the closeness now, and I cried in my dream when I try to tell someone about the situation. I miss him, my dad, but I couldn't do anything now. He is no longer here....

Confuse

Today's 3rd day of work. Last night slept at around 1-2am. Mainly because having slight fight with him due to argue over some issue on our future. Wanted him to go back for good, but he just keep crying. Though I was cool and didn't cry much, I was trying to stay firm and calm on what I intended and planned to do. Anyway, he shows that he still loves me a lot as of now. He sent me to work this morning and fetch me back and we had dinner together.

Today, I got the reply from that MNC company, I do not know whether I should give it a try or not. Anyway, I had sent replied mail to them, I guess, if they are willing to pay high and the job is not as stressful as "hell", I might give it a shot.

God, please help me one more time on my career path. I really appreciate on what you had made the offer available to me in my current job, but this MNC is what I heard so far one of the best company in Penang. I hope I can get the best career for long term, I do not wish to change again God, once I settled down on my career, I will fully concentrate on what is my purpose.

God, please help me, guide me, give me luck and wisdom to make the right choice and get the right offer.

2nd day of work

Today's the 2nd day of my work, the traffic is quite congested from here to town. I used to travel 15-20 min to reach my office. But now, I need 2 hours to and fro. Travelling is quite tiring and fuel consuming. Daily parking also cost RM3. Guess travelling with parking will take about RM180-RM200 per mth at least. My ex-co even give allowance for toll of RM145 for which I am not really need to spend cause I stayed in island. Now, with lower pay, and extra expenses, I really need to get used to it without comparing the past and current. I'll never be happy and contented.

I'm getting lower paid reason being i'm totally new to this recruitment industry, all my background was only sales, IT and i'm not really someone who is stand out from the crowd.

Suddenly today, tonight, I felt a bit down. Despite God has given me chance and helped really a lot in changing and getting to the new job life. Suddenly, I just felt I'm so left out, not competent, and not having the strong desire to move further. What has lead to this?

I don't even dare to call a candidate up to profile them. I was from call centre backgroud, I should be very confident and very experience in talking to anyone on the phone, what happend to me? I'm just so low in self-esteem and getting useless each day.

While I'm going through all these, God are you there? I am sure you are, as I believe this is my test, and I have to overcome it, and build myself stronger. I'm just so myself, I can't hear you God, and I can't feel or sense you are there, I have never experence you touching me, whisper to me, hint to me, or give me any tiny bit of clue that you are there with me God. I am sorry, I just really hope you here with me God.

Today I suppose to do some homework for tomorrow's work, brought back some JD but didn't really open that up and study on it. I suppose to do research on it aggressively, get my self equipped and polished myself up with super speed as this is why my manager is hiring me from the "hell" company. I failed to show any sign of aggressive and competence once again. I'm just so so lame and low low than average person and wanted to show I am capable and strong. I'm just another hypocrite which I hate so much.

I saw his photo with his ex-wife and his daughter. She's so much younger and prettier than me. I really wish we could end everything here. So that I can press a "restart" button of my life and "reformat" everything and everything and really everything.

I am really loosing every confident, I am getting older each day and getting fatter each day, I really have no mood to have any diet on. I just feel so insecure and uncomfortable seeing and knowing that she wears pretty and went out with him. God, please release me from this "life term jail". I've learnt my lesson, haven't I? What else I need to learn? Will I be forgiven? What I need to do to rectify what I have done wrong? Is there anyway I can compensate back? Please let me know the action I need to do God.

Why am I so unsure of what I am doing and what my future holds? I have many many questions and doubt everywhere. I'm so tired.

First day of work

Today I started work in the new company. I can say everything went on smoothly, I thank God for that, I believe God has helped me alot on this.

Last night suddenly there is a blackout occurred around 3am, suddenly fan and aircon and my room's small light all off. I can't sleep cause is so hot and also sudden change of the temperature. I waited and waited, my bf woke up to pee, so I ask him to go and check whether there is a trip on the main switch box, and it does really tripped. So I continue sleeping after the fan is on back.

My colleagues are all very good and nice people, but I guess I also need put in a lot of hard work in order to see result in this field. I applied for another post in Intel before I got this offer, they just contact me today, haizzz..... maybe it is fated that I should not work in Intel?

Today his daugther's birthday, he got to celebrate for her. I know he love his daugther a lot, why didn't he choose to go back to them? Is he trying ti escapte the responsibility? Sometimes I am stuck in between, I want to convince him to go back but he never want to think about it. Whenever I think about this topic, I feel hopeless and also not happy.

God, I went to Church last Sunday. Though I have not really got involve in the whole "christian" atmosphere now, I am trying, Father God please help me to be more adapt to it and blend well with the rest of the church member.

Next year i'll join the Alpha group which was mean for the beginner of christianity. I'll also join the care group every Friday to learn about Bible study.

Thank you God for everything.

Jesus

Isn't this picture beautiful? How do Jesus really looks like? We see a lot of drawings and statue of Jesus, they look almost the same, are they really look like our real Jesus? I've saved a lot of Jesus's picture last night, some are really beautiful. Will share more coming soon. You know, I wanted to buy the Christian object today, but end up I didn't. I need to save some money now as I am just going to start work again next week. Need some savings cause I plan to take up some courses. First I want to learn Piano, bought a 2nd hand piano from someone. Then, I'll sign up for baking courses as well. So that will cost me some moeny.

Why do I want to learn piano and baking class? Playing piano is one of my dream when I was a little girl, but due to the place I stayed last time can't accomodate piano, and also there is no encouragement from my family to guide me to learn piano, so I didn't start any till now. Whereas for baking course, my passion is in cooking, so baking is also cooking, I guess I can learn how to bake pizza, cookies, pie, tart, and various cake, that will be fun.

I still have lots and lots of question I do not understand about the teaching of Christianity. I really hope I can learn more, and know the purpose of my life sooner.

But, I guess I already know after reading that purple book, that is to serve God. But how and what is my ministry in this world? That's what I need to find out.

I receive a mail today from the "sinner prayer" website, posted something a week ago and release a bit of my bitterness there. Got the mail with the link posting more about Christianity and also there is this site that archive videos about believer's spiritual encouter. Perhaps it's a good past time to watch this.

"Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsongs

"Holy, Holy, Holy"

Yes!

I want to thank God fo making this happen to me, I've got the job offer from the job I dream about already. I think it's a miracle, i'm so touched and so happy and want to express my gratitute and deepest appreciation to what has God done onto me.

I want to thank God again and again and I want to know that I trust God, and have faith with God and will do what God want me to do. I can't wait to thank God now and also to be nearer to God this coming Sunday!!

I love you my Lord!

"You Are My All In All"

"In Christ Alone"

What is forsaken, salvation and wicked

I always see this 3 words appear in the book I read about Christ. Today I'm going to find out the meaning.

Forsaken

Often enough, I see this word "forsaken" in Bible and some related books. For example, David crys out "God, why have you abandoned me? Why have you forsaken me?" It means, why God keep a distant, and living David alone to suffer or face the pain by himself. So forsaken means leaving. Just to illustrate further on this, God sometimes seems to be distant away, according to the study, God is not leaving us to suffer, God want us to learn, and face the problem by ourself, and grow to become stronger. God will always be with us in pain or in joy.

Salvation

Salvation - being saved from danger or harm

In the Christian religion, salvation of a person or their spirit is the state of being saved from evil and its effects by the death of Jesus Christ on a cross.

I plan to visit this shop name Salvation sometime this weekend to get a New Living Translation Bible, and some Christian decoration for my house. Not sure whether they sell any of that. But I have been looking for these for quite sometimes.

Wicked

Apparently, there are 2 meanings of wicked which totally opposite one to the other.

1. Wicked is an old fashion of saying things done badly

2. Wicked is also means excellent

I believe what I read is the first meaning I suppose.

2nd and 3rd interview

My 2nd interview was with a bank, waiting for 1 hour for the interviwer but didn't show up, end up someone else from other department interview me. Though I feel that I will get the job, due to my past experience and also thank to my ex-company giant big name to impress people. But I felt that I am not very keen of the job. Reason being, I like money, but I don't really like to deal with money. That is why I failed my Finance in U.

Then the 2nd interview, though the interview shows interest in hiring me, but still need another round of interview from the boss. I kinda like that kind of job.

Now I am still stuck in making decision, though, God kinda hint to me either stay in Penang or in Singapore also will be the same for my career growth (if I don't interprete wrongly), but still I will have to make a decision really soon.

Should I fly to Singapore and persue my next career? At the same time, that could be a new start for my life. I will have to leave my dog here, my bf, and my mom here. Leaving my bf, I think will be a good challenge for him, as he do not have any intention to build a family wif me, we are just living together. If he really want to marry me, he should fight for it instead of me keep waiting till old age. As for my dog, I really have a heavy heart to leave him here, I need to have a strong and brave heart to move on. Then my mom, I am not a filiar daugther in Penang anyway, being always afraid of driving far, and always lazy and always finding execuses, I am really a bad daugther for my mom cause did not visit her often.

God, can please help me to give me the wisdom to make choices? I wish to make the right choice, and have a happy and stable life and future, cause that is the basic that I need to survive. Of course, I'll obey God's will and the purpose I need to perform in this life.

http://julia4jesus.multiply.com/

Marriage

What do you think about marriage? It's a life time commitment, to live to love and to take care of someone for the rest of your life. It's a very big word and big responsibility. Whether or not you will be holding that vow and promise, it's still another matter after years and years of living together, tolerance and different type of issue will arise when the kids arrive.

Everytime I see someone's wedding photo, I have 2 types of feeling. One is, I felt a bit jealous for what a lucky girl she is in that photo, getting married to someone she loves so much. How lucky she is that the guy proposed to her and ask to live together forever happily ever after. It's every girl's dream and fairy tale ending.

On the other hand, who will know what is going to happen next. Maybe I am too pessimistic to think life in this way, if you tend to worry too much for the future and worry for the worst to happen, you might not want to get involve in anything great in life after all. So, I am a very contradicting person, one hand I love to be in love, and yearn to be married to somone who loved me a lot and matured enough to think for our future and whatever consequences it will take if he made a mistake or betrayal... another hand, I'm also worried the marriage will end in a disaster.

I'm 33 years old now, very soon, i'll be 34.... 35..... 40.. and before I know it, I'm not attractive to anyone anymore and this will end forever for me to be a loner. 孤独终老 Will that be very sad? There's once, or twice, the fortune teller told me that it's very likely I'll end up alone in old age, that's very sadening and hurt to know it and not have the will to change it now...........

Though I have boyfriend now, but he never shows that he has a strong will to marry me. He's a divorce man, and with 2 kids, he has gone through the up and the down of the marriage , he has gone through the feeling of being the husband, the feeling of being a father. It's not fresh or something new for him to try out another time, he even told me if we were to have kids in future, it's going to be a burden to both of us to take care of small baby. Feeding milk to baby every 2 hours at night without fail, getting up and awaken in the middle of your sweet dream, feeding milk again, changing diaper, though I can imagine it's a hard work, but which parent didn't go through this? Though I am very sad and dissapointed to hear him say this, but my heart just close down and I just try to fan off whatever flame I have for marriage and building a family.

Well, all and all, I still wish to try it once in a life time, to get married, and have a kid. God, do you think it is a wise choice?

My dream wedding will be going through a Church Wedding, and playing the music of Canon in D. I'll cry on that day cause it's going to be so touching to hear that song and being married to the guy I love. (dreaming).

Awaiting for the "gentle whisper"

Ever since 2 weeks ago, I started to try to talk to God each day, sometime not praying, but just like talking to a friend. I want to build my friendship with God. But why am I not getting any "gentle whisper" so far? Is it now still at early stage? Or is it that I have not done something yet? Or it is not time yet?

I really wish to find out soon how is the feeling like... or will I ever have that feeling at all?

1st interview over

My first interview was over, managed to speak naturally and of course there are something which I am not totally being frank about yet.

What should I do now? If I got both offer in Penang and Singapore? Where should I go? God, can you help me to make the right choice, can you help me to have more wisdom to make the right decision?

Sunday Church - 2nd visit

This is the Church that I visit in Penang. This is the 2nd time I visited the Church for Sunday service. I prayed that I can feel God, as until now I have yet to have any 'touch' or response that I can feel that God is there listening to my prayer. Though I know God is there and always will be there, but I will wait for that day that I hear my prayer answered. I went to Adventist Bakery to get some bread and rolled oats after the service, then went on to a pet shop to buy some food and treats for my dear son.

I've still not recovered from my block nose and slight coughing, feeling very tired in the afternoon and went for a nap. My boyfriend is working today, so we do not have time to spend together outside. Maybe later on will go for a nice and simple dinner.

There will be 3 interview tomorrow, I'm so nervous. God bless me....

Just thinking...

I'm new.. new born baby to God's family. I have to become a Christian, but I believe it will be very soon. First, I am now learning to know more about God, and I need to go to Church continuously to get connected, cause I am still a small small baby, am I?

Does anyone has a 2nd chance? I always felt hopeless, and lost and regretted for the sin I have done in the past, for cheating someone, for hurting someone so deeply, for ruining someone and also my own future just by some irresponsible act. I do hope to get second chance to redo everything, but certain things are like a would, once you cut it, it will leave you with scar and it will stay there forever.

I wish to get out from depression, from darkness, from lost and God is the only choice I have that can help me. I need to find back myself, who and why God created me for, so I can serve God the right way. So, if I am reborn again, I feel better now, I need to let go the past, and build my future now with God.

What's on my mind now.....

I'll be going for interivew on Monday. I've stopped working since 1 and half month ago, my job was really a tiring and boring job. Everyone is asking why am I leaving without a job, I find this question very ridiculous and rational at the same time. Logically thinking, to survive and continue living, you need money, you need it for food, shelther, entertaintment and commitment of course. But are we born to this world to bear all those burden and continue to work and work and stuck in the rat-race like forever? I find life is so boring if what we have to do all is only work, job, career and that is all about all our life? I am not someone who seek to climb coproprate ladder, someone who is aggressive and someone who are really strong and like that status.

Perhaps I am someone more artistic, I like to study things, I know to know the history of different building, different culture, different country and different people from the world. There are no such job for me to do that can earn a living I guess. Maybe there is, like some famous photographer or reporter, they can travel to different places, interview different people and write about their lifes. I find this type of job fascinating, I have no idea how it feels like.

I also like to watch National Geographic, one can really learn and see a lot of things from this program, but too bad I don't have Astro install at home, maybe I'll go search from the net.

One New Saturday

This is one of my jobless Saturday. One worry-free, relax, free and easy Saturday morning. I've been sick for almost 3~4 weeks and slowing getting to recover now. I' writing this, and playing Canon in D at the same time, such a wonderful and touching piece and peace of music. I wonder why those great artist from hundred years ago can create such great great music, I don't know any particular famous one other than Ludwig van Beethoven though.

I'm thinking and doing what I like to do and be myself from now onwards. I didn't realise for my 33 years, I have spent my life, somehow or rather, trying to conform, or copy what other people is doing. Like everyone is getting a Degree, and I also must go and study Degree, everyone is getting married, and have children, I must also find a partner and settle down. Though this is what my original dream, but somehow, things and reality changed, and I'll have to adapt and change to a new role or new me. Though it seems weird to others why am I not getting married and setting up a family at this age? Is this what all our final dream is? I really don't know, I believe different people will have different dream. God created us differently, each and everyone shaped, faces, personality, talent, all different, I want to find out my purpose of life from God.

I always believe myself as someone who like languages, someone who like to play around with words, but I just did not study a very high in any language, somehow I feel that, writing will help to express my feeling, and also improve my knowledge. I dream, but not too bold enough to dream to be writer, as I do not have the right asset yet. Somehow, my first target will be reading this book "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I like her character a lot, cause she remind me a lot of things, some similiar encounter, but one thing different is, she can travel and do not have to worry of finance cause she's a writer, how I wish I can travel and write and also earn my living at the same time! That will be a perfect happy life for me~~!!